Open Adoption IRL

Their adoption was open from the very beginning. Neither wanted it any other way. While their relationship hasn’t always been smooth-sailing, they’ve both worked hard to stay focused on their daughter. What’s their secret? No secrets, just a lot of showing up, showing compassion and keeping it real. We hope you are encouraged and inspired by their story.

How has your relationship changed or evolved?

Becky: Initially, the thought of communication post-placement felt confusing and overwhelming. Although I longed for open adoption, the fear I have of possibly losing all contact with my daughter has been almost debilitating for me at times. This entire journey has taught me so much about trust and the importance of communicating – even when it is painful to do so. I’ve learned that the “openness” we have in our adoption journey isn’t all about the visits with my daughter. It’s also about maintaining the connection in other ways – and striving to understand what’s best for her, even when I want something different. Some of my most favorite moments happen during conversations with her parents during a visit, long after she’s fallen asleep. Our shared faith has been a strong connection point between all of us.

Talitha: From the very start, we all knew that we wanted an open adoption relationship, but honestly had no idea what that would look like in the days, months, and years to come. Within days after her birth, we were testing the waters with text messages, sending photos, and occasional calls. We kept taking “baby steps” – one after another – as we learned to communicate, talk about feelings (the good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly) and recognize our own insecurities and fears along the way. We don’t want to sugar coat, because that never seems to help anybody. It hasn’t been easy or perfect, but what has evolved is a genuine friendship built on a solid foundation of love for this truly awesome little girl.

   

Becky: Fortunately, my daughter’s family doesn’t live too far from me, so I’m fortunate to see her as often as I do. While we don’t strictly follow our contact agreement, I know her parents take their commitment to open adoption very seriously.

My daughter’s mother has always been thoughtful in sending me pictures and little texts to let me know she’s thinking of me. I know they care about me, apart from my relationship with my daughter. That means a lot. Of course, I love it when I have the chance to visit and to reconnect. Time is going by so quickly!

Talitha: After a few years, our communication fell into a fairly easy pattern. We communicate on an “as desired” or sometimes on an “as needed” basis. Sometimes we share texts every few days or weeks; other times, a few months may go by. Just like any other relationship. There are moments when I think, “Becky would love to see or hear or know about this,” and so, I reach out. Or, I’ll find myself thinking about her and wonder how she’s doing, so I check-in. Just like any other relationship! Sometimes the communication is at my daughter’s initiative. She’ll want to tell Becky something that happened at school, or she may just want to say “hello.” We’re comfortable now, and I’m grateful for that.

How do people respond when they find out you’re in an open adoption?

Becky: Most of the time when I mention being a birth mom or having an open adoption, I get a response along the lines of: “What does that mean?!” or “Can’t you get her back one day?” or “So, you’re like co-parenting, right?” A few people have been judgmental or outspoken, but most are interested to know more about the dynamics of our relationship. I think people genuinely want to understand how open adoption works. There have been people who have walked out of my life because they did not agree with my adoption decision; thankfully, there have been even more who have risen up to support me in this journey.

Talitha: My all-time favorite question is, “Which one of you is her mom?” I love the look on their faces when we tell them we both are. Mostly, we get mixed reactions. Some people are shocked/skeptical or just plain ol’ confused. Others are genuinely intrigued, but even then, I almost always sense a bit of cautiousness. And then, there are others who react with sadness – because they wish they had a similar relationship with their birth parent(s) or adoptive parent(s). Here’s what I know: Open adoption relationships aren’t easy, but they can work.

Despite the challenges, do you think open adoption is truly better for an adopted child?

Talitha: Without a doubt. Once we settled into our relationship and saw its impact on our daughter, we couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Becky: Without a doubt. Open adoption acknowledges and honors an undeniable connection.